You know that feeling when you're lying relaxing in your bed, cosy.  After waking up after a good night's sleep you do some gentle stretching...

You notice the sensation of your skin under your finger tips.  The lovely, fulfilling pleasant sensation to feel the curves of one's own body.

#SelfLove #SelfCare

How beautiful your tummy felt when your daughter was growing inside you, for 6 months, until she died.

That's when it strikes, the powerful, crippling gut punch. 

The tears begin to flow, the unsettling feeling in your gut emanates.

I'm not physically well, today I need to rest, so it's been a netflix and chill kind of day, recovering particularly from the stress of yesterday.  Yesterday, when she again had multiple distressing phone calls, fighting for the support she needed so she could have an independent, quality of life, in spite of her ongoing chronic debilitating illnesses.

Except today's viewing included #SpoilerAlert Howard's and Bernadette's child being born.... 

So Charlie switched to watch another of her favourite's; Schitt's Creek.

Guess what episode was lined up for her to watch next?   That's right, Rowan (The Mayor)'s wife is pregnant, there's a cuffle about whether the ultrasound said it was a boy or a girl (they had tried to keep it secret until the birth).

So Charlie looked for something else to watch, Netflix suggested Virgin River, which Charlie had stopped watching last week.  Why had she stopped watching it?  Because the story line was about a baby who was abandoned at the door of the rural Doctor's office.  The community pulled together, and they eventually discovered whose baby it was....

A well known, well respected member of the community.  Her husband had died recently.... 

Turns out she had post natal depression, so the new nurse was going to foster her until she was better again and the baby could return to be with her mother.

Star Trek Voyager was surely safe from storylines with pregancy childbirth, clinical depression?

You might think that, but the 2nd episode in, Charlie was fascinated by the space creatures voyager was studying, they were literally swimming in space, without spaceships!!  Absorbing their vital nutrients directly from particles floating around space itself!

But Kes started developing strange symptoms, first she started eating handful of grubs, then soil mixed with mashed potato and butter...  Turns out she was going through the "Elogium", for the Encompa it's puberty, but also the one and only chance Encompa have to mate to produce offspring.

So Kes is in a weird kind of fever which will only last for 24 hours, if she doesn't mate within that timeframe, she'll never have her own biological children.

Was the only time Charlie had ever been pregnant, she was 40 and ecstatic when she discovered her child was growing inside her.

Jennifer died 6 months 1 week old.

Charlie is now 45, there is a very low chance she'll find someone who is as ready to have children as she is before her biological window closes forever.

So thanks TV for those epic reminders of the most painful experience of Charlie's life, and reminding her she'll never be a mother.

There is no escape from grief, the gift which just keeps on generously giving...

Each of those precious life moments, the heartfelt memories that would flash in front of your eyes the moment before you die....

Those cherished moments that makes your heart feel like it's so full it might burst...

Those are the moments that grief punches you firmly in the solar plexus, leaving you incapacitated...